It’s been a long time since I last wrote on my blog, or
posted much of my thoughts online. I had
made a decision awhile back to take a break from writing, and spend a bit more
time just living quietly and less public.
Truth be told, it was a difficult time, as our family was going through
a very rough time. Thinking about it now
I can see some parallels in my life, timelines that have a way of repeating
themselves. Now I’m not one to put much
importance in numbers, dates, or coincidences, yet they do appear in my life,
and often it isn’t until later reflection that I notice them. Back in 2007 I was living in San Francisco,
in a steady relationship with my partner Mike, and right at the 18 month mark
we were faced with a life changing challenge.
Abel and I had been together about the same amount of time, and were
facing some serious family challenges at home; ones that make you question your
sanity at times. Back in 2007, and now
in 2013, I wondered if I had the strength to get through all of it, and
wondered why my life has been so difficult.
I’m typically that person that others quickly remind that God doesn’t
give us more than we can handle.
“Oh really?”
In my way of thinking I can keep up the fight, keep moving
forward, and keep up with my attempts to remain optimistic, or just simply
crumble in defeat. I know that people
consider me strong, and don’t often see the truly vulnerable side, yet it is
there. Back when Mike was around, and we
were going through some challenges with the children, he would often remind me
that he was there for me, and with me, and that I would no longer have to face
such challenges alone. Well, he was there
for me, and for a short time I wasn’t alone, but as most know, his life was
taken away too soon. Needless to say I
was devastated by his death, and I was left alone to continue parenting my
children with each of their special needs.
September 2011 arrived, and I met a wonderful man. 2012 brought that man into my home, and
further into the lives of my children.
He moved into my home, and began taking on the challenges of learning
what it’s like to parent special needs teens and young adults. Soon after, he began uttering a familiar
phrase whenever I was at my lowest of lows.
When my heart and body tired of being the strong one, and tears would
get the best of me, the phrase would be spoken by him, “you are no longer
alone.” I know that Abel said those
words out of love, and they were meant to comfort me, but initially they
brought on fear, fear of loss. How could
I learn to trust that he would always be here, and that I truly would not be
facing such challenges alone? I would
remind Abel of how Mike would say those very words, and how hard it was to
accept and trust them. I trusted Abel’s
love, and I trusted his support, yet I didn’t trust that force that was beyond
us, that which could possibly take him away.
Abel is a patient man.
Able is an understanding man. Don’t
get me wrong, he is human, and he has his own insecurities, yet he is
constantly willing to remain beside me, holding me in his arms. Abel knows that I have been hurt by
life. I know that he has been hurt by
life. Yet in going through the ongoing
challenges this past winter, and always finding him by my side, I realized that
I can trust him, and I can learn to trust what life has brought me. I realized that I was now safe and sound.
It was February 13, 2013.
It was a night of lying in bed beside him, talking heart to heart about
the many challenges we were facing each day, and speaking of our love and devotion
for each other that made me ask Abel a simple question.
“Will you marry me?”
I can honestly say that I took Abel by surprise. I can honestly say that I took myself by
surprise. I knew that I wanted to marry
this man, yet I had been waiting for a special day two months down the
line. Yet because of what we were
sharing that night, it became the perfect moment to ask this important
question.
“Yes,” his simple response.
From that night forward we began planning the day that we
would exchange vows. At the time it was
no longer legal here in California, yet we didn’t care, we trusted that it
would work out in the end. We began
planning in spite of the unknown, and then we were handed a gift by the Supreme
Court, our wedding, our marriage, would be legal. I experienced that same gift with Mike many
years ago when the California Court provided us the same opportunity. In 2008 there was a brief opportunity to
marry the man I loved, and become his husband 11 months before his life was
taken away. Both times in my life, when
I didn’t know if the privilege would be mine, the gift of time opened the door
to marry the person I happened to fall in love with. Our plans were now safe and sound.
Now many know that we are engaged, yet most don’t realize
that we are to be married this Saturday.
We decided to have a small ceremony here at home, and for that reason I
needed was placed in a delicate challenge.
You see, I have the benefit of having so many loving and supportive
friends and family that could not possibly invite all the people that mean so
much to me. I consider myself very
fortunate to have people who love me scattered not only all over the state, but
all over the country, and through my writing now all over the world. My decision was to gather those that live
locally, keeping it to friends nearby, and to my family member that I grew up
with in the old neighborhood. I made
this decision knowing that those that are present can represent all those that
have touched my life throughout the years.
We are planning a Buddhist-Hindu fusion wedding that best
represents the practice of our combined spirituality and view of life. I hope to share more of it later with each of
you, as it feels like a perfect presentation to those who join us in
celebrating this new beginning for us.
Keep us in mind on that day, and know that our hearts will be filled with
the combined love that we have gathered from all who have touched out lives
along the way. We will be paying homage
to those who are no longer present, yet who remain as an active part of our
inner being.
Give Love.
Be Love.
