Gay. Twice Married.

I am a gay man, and I have been married twice.  These are words I never expected to come from me in my life time.  Growing up gay, Catholic, and Latino, my expectations for my life ahead were no different than my other three brothers.  I was expected to grow up, find a nice girl, get married and have kids.  Yet from a very young age I was well aware that there was something inherently different about me than from my brothers.  

As I grew older it became clear, I was gay, and any future milestones, such as marriage and children, might not look the same as what I was brought up to expect.  My parents were great role models of what marriage and commitment means.  Before my mother’s death my parents had been married for 57 years, and each of my brothers had been married for many years as well.  So what was the plan for me?

I have always been known as one to who makes a plan, then sets out to accomplish it.  Life for the most part came fairly easily for me.  After high school I immediately began attending college, and although I spent many years changing directions within my education, I eventually completed my master’s degree in marriage and family counseling, Ironic, right?

By the time I was in my early 30’s I was still single, and felt the need to move forward with my life plan of having children, so I began the process of adoption, eventually adopting three children at various years along the way.  I was that guy that everyone said, 'you are such a catch, why are you still single'?  Well, ask the many single mother’s that question and you should get a fairly consistent answer, priorities.  When you are a parent, your kid’s needs come first.  It’s as simple as that.

Now you are probably wondering, how is it that this guy has been married twice, when same sex marriage has only recently come into favor?  No, it wasn’t one of those stories of getting carried away while in Las Vegas, and hitting up a drive-thru chapel.  Same sex marriage is not available there quite yet.   And no, I wasn't married to a woman.

As an aside I will share with you that my line of work is also marriage related, or perhaps better described as divorce related.  I am a custody mediator, counseling separating and divorcing couples daily regarding parenting plans for their children.  Each day that I walk into work I see the line of angry or hurt individuals, waiting to begin or end the process of dissolving their marriages.  You might guess that this weighed heavily when the thought of marriage came up for me.  If I can get married, then I could also get divorced.  Is this something I really want to participate in?

I've see in the news almost weekly now that another state has approved same sex marriage, or another is considering it.  I read the dialogue that goes on regarding those that support, and those that oppose, same sex marriage, and I am completely overwhelmed at the positive changes that have occurred.  I find the whole idea odd that my choice to marry would somehow negatively affect the sanctity of someone else’s marriage, yet people will believe what they want to believe.  And yet, when I look around me each day at work I wonder how much these struggling couples thought about their commitment, and what they have truly done to maintain their vows prior to giving up.  I suppose that in my line of work one could easily become quite jaded, getting a much skewed perspective of marriage and its outcome.  Yet, again, I have been blessed with great role models all around me that continues to give me hope that most people do enter into marriage with love and commitment, and by this action, the families they create in turn become that much stronger.

So here is my story, and no it doesn’t end in divorce.  In 2005 I met a wonderful man, and fell in love.  We later combined our homes, and began planning our future together.  In 2007 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and our lives changed completely.  We were told that he would die from this, maybe in 3 months, maybe longer, but in no uncertain terms were we led to believe that time was on our side.  In 2008 California briefly opened to door to same sex marriage, and we had a beautiful traditional wedding atop a hill of a visually stunning golf course.  Our wedding was attended by all of our immediate family and friends.  Our wedding party consisted of each of our best men, as well as his two nieces and nephew, and my three children.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  My husband and I never celebrated a wedding anniversary, as his tumor took him from me one month shy of our first year anniversary.  Just as I never imagined that I would ever have the ability to one day marry, I never imagined that I would one day be a widower, and a gay widower at that.  

Two years later, I was living in a new city, after making a needed change of scenery.  I decided it was time to open myself up to the possibility of a new relationship, and surprisingly, without much effort I met someone.  Accepting new love after experiencing loss is not easy, yet as they say, when you meet the right person, you know.   As was the case with my late husband, this new man and I decided to combine our lives by moving in together.  I never expected marriage again, as it was no longer legal in California.  Yet as timing once again appeared to  to be on my side with the Supreme Court soon to be ruling on proposition 8, we announced our engagement.  The best reaction we got was from my father, who said that he was happy that we were finally doing the right thing, as he and my mother didn’t raise their sons to live with another person outside of marriage.  I laughed, and reminded him that at that moment it was still not legal in California.  The beauty of this was that this small detail didn’t change what my father expected of his son, which was to make a formal commitment through vows of marriage.  

My new husband and I were married in August of  2013, and it was celebrated with family and friends in our own backyard.  It too was a beautiful wedding, filled with color and symbols of our eclectic spirituality.  

So here I am, gay, twice married. It is my hope that in the near future, all people, gay and straight, will be as fortunate as I have been to marry the person they chose without judgment, and without limits.

* This was written by me last year, yet never published on my blog.  Given today's Supreme Court ruling providing gays and lesbians nationwide marriage rights, I thought it was time to share.

Safe & Sound

 

It’s been a long time since I last wrote on my blog, or posted much of my thoughts online.  I had made a decision awhile back to take a break from writing, and spend a bit more time just living quietly and less public.  Truth be told, it was a difficult time, as our family was going through a very rough time.  Thinking about it now I can see some parallels in my life, timelines that have a way of repeating themselves.  Now I’m not one to put much importance in numbers, dates, or coincidences, yet they do appear in my life, and often it isn’t until later reflection that I notice them.  Back in 2007 I was living in San Francisco, in a steady relationship with my partner Mike, and right at the 18 month mark we were faced with a life changing challenge.  Abel and I had been together about the same amount of time, and were facing some serious family challenges at home; ones that make you question your sanity at times.  Back in 2007, and now in 2013, I wondered if I had the strength to get through all of it, and wondered why my life has been so difficult.  I’m typically that person that others quickly remind that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.

 “Oh really?” 

In my way of thinking I can keep up the fight, keep moving forward, and keep up with my attempts to remain optimistic, or just simply crumble in defeat.  I know that people consider me strong, and don’t often see the truly vulnerable side, yet it is there.  Back when Mike was around, and we were going through some challenges with the children, he would often remind me that he was there for me, and with me, and that I would no longer have to face such challenges alone.  Well, he was there for me, and for a short time I wasn’t alone, but as most know, his life was taken away too soon.   Needless to say I was devastated by his death, and I was left alone to continue parenting my children with each of their special needs.

September 2011 arrived, and I met a wonderful man.  2012 brought that man into my home, and further into the lives of my children.  He moved into my home, and began taking on the challenges of learning what it’s like to parent special needs teens and young adults.  Soon after, he began uttering a familiar phrase whenever I was at my lowest of lows.  When my heart and body tired of being the strong one, and tears would get the best of me, the phrase would be spoken by him, “you are no longer alone.”  I know that Abel said those words out of love, and they were meant to comfort me, but initially they brought on fear, fear of loss.  How could I learn to trust that he would always be here, and that I truly would not be facing such challenges alone?  I would remind Abel of how Mike would say those very words, and how hard it was to accept and trust them.  I trusted Abel’s love, and I trusted his support, yet I didn’t trust that force that was beyond us, that which could possibly take him away. 

Abel is a patient man.  Able is an understanding man.  Don’t get me wrong, he is human, and he has his own insecurities, yet he is constantly willing to remain beside me, holding me in his arms.  Abel knows that I have been hurt by life.  I know that he has been hurt by life.  Yet in going through the ongoing challenges this past winter, and always finding him by my side, I realized that I can trust him, and I can learn to trust what life has brought me.  I realized that I was now safe and sound.

It was February 13, 2013.  It was a night of lying in bed beside him, talking heart to heart about the many challenges we were facing each day, and speaking of our love and devotion for each other that made me ask Abel a simple question.

“Will you marry me?”

I can honestly say that I took Abel by surprise.  I can honestly say that I took myself by surprise.  I knew that I wanted to marry this man, yet I had been waiting for a special day two months down the line.  Yet because of what we were sharing that night, it became the perfect moment to ask this important question.

“Yes,” his simple response.

From that night forward we began planning the day that we would exchange vows.  At the time it was no longer legal here in California, yet we didn’t care, we trusted that it would work out in the end.  We began planning in spite of the unknown, and then we were handed a gift by the Supreme Court, our wedding, our marriage, would be legal.  I experienced that same gift with Mike many years ago when the California Court provided us the same opportunity.  In 2008 there was a brief opportunity to marry the man I loved, and become his husband 11 months before his life was taken away.  Both times in my life, when I didn’t know if the privilege would be mine, the gift of time opened the door to marry the person I happened to fall in love with.  Our plans were now safe and sound.

Now many know that we are engaged, yet most don’t realize that we are to be married this Saturday.  We decided to have a small ceremony here at home, and for that reason I needed was placed in a delicate challenge.  You see, I have the benefit of having so many loving and supportive friends and family that could not possibly invite all the people that mean so much to me.  I consider myself very fortunate to have people who love me scattered not only all over the state, but all over the country, and through my writing now all over the world.  My decision was to gather those that live locally, keeping it to friends nearby, and to my family member that I grew up with in the old neighborhood.  I made this decision knowing that those that are present can represent all those that have touched my life throughout the years.

We are planning a Buddhist-Hindu fusion wedding that best represents the practice of our combined spirituality and view of life.  I hope to share more of it later with each of you, as it feels like a perfect presentation to those who join us in celebrating this new beginning for us.  Keep us in mind on that day, and know that our hearts will be filled with the combined love that we have gathered from all who have touched out lives along the way.  We will be paying homage to those who are no longer present, yet who remain as an active part of our inner being.

Give Love.

Be Love.