Feeble-Minded?

I knew I couldn’t stay away from writing for long. I am one of millions of bloggers out here sharing more than others might need to know, yet needing to express myself somewhere. My focus this time around is different.  It’s still me, only this time I hope to be focusing on love, joy and most of all...hope.

I think that most who know me would agree with this blog title.  Most would say yes, Dan is quite able-minded.  I have a quick wit.  I like to consider myself somewhat intelligent. And, I make a daily attempt at keeping myself aware of the busy world around me.

At other times I think of myself as somewhat feeble-minded.  I don’t always know which way is up.  I’m not always focused on the task at hand. And, I have a tendency to easily get lost in my thoughts. 

What I do know is this…I know what I want out of life.  I have been through a lot over the years.  Some of what I have been through has been wonderful and rewarding.  Some of what I have been through has been tough to say the least.  I have loved.  And, I have lost love.  I have also loved, and had my love taken away too soon. 

What is important in the end is that I have loved.

What is important in the end is that I have been loved.

I now know that I am capable of so much.  I now know that there is an endless cycle of love in life for each of us.  I was brought into this world by two loving parents.  I was raised alongside three loving brothers.  I was raised in a community of loving friends and family.  I have developed rich and loving relationships throughout my life that continue to touch my heart every day. 

I am able-minded because today I can truly say that I understand that which I have set out to find.  For so long I was lost in my grief, and wondered if the joy and simplicity that I see in others was truly meant for me.  I now know that in spite of the challenges that I have had to face, life keeps giving back to me.  I now know that in spite of the challenges that I have had to face, I keep giving back to life.

I am also feeble-mind because like a fool, I have chosen to risk it all once again.  Some might have expected me to crawl under a rock, and hide from the sunshine.  Perhaps I did my share of hiding, as it was part of my process.  Some might have expected me to come out looking different than I do today.  To those that don’t always recognize the ‘me’ today as the ‘me’ that was before it all began, well, this is me now.  I view life differently now.  My understanding of the cosmos is different now.  My spirituality is expressed differently now. 

On September 13, 2009 my life changed.  On that day my husband’s battle with brain cancer ended.  My world fell apart.  I experienced a darkness that I never knew existed.  With each day that passed I attempted to climb out from the deep despair that I found myself sinking into.  I can’t say that it is no longer a struggle, because it still is.  What I can say is that I have made it to a new place of wonder.  I have found myself in a place that my late husband envisioned for me.  He used to talk of my next love in a very matter of fact way.  This is what he wanted for me.  I must admit that I never truly believe it would happen, or that I was capable of loving again, but here I am.

Today I am not only able-minded, but Abel-minded.  I have been with my new love for 7 months now.  He fills my heart with a warm gentle glow of love, and he encompasses a peacefulness that is so congruent with who I am today.  I see myself reflected in his eyes, and I like what I see.  This blog is about this next phase in my life.  Very soon Abel and I will be combining our lives.  We are making clear decisions about what kind of life we want together.  We are laying down plans for a future together.

Whether I am able-minded today or feeble-minded tomorrow, I have so much hope to carry me through.